It’s time for a ‘family meeting’

If you had to choose between discussing politics or your estate plan during your Thanksgiving meal, which would you choose? If your answer is “neither,” we’d understand. 

But, having a “family meeting” about your estate plan with your loved ones during holiday gatherings should not be ruled out. Arguably, your estate planning is not complete until you discuss it with your beneficiaries.

– Erin Smith, Director, Estate Planning

“If you’re spending time together during the holidays, it’s as opportune a time as any because you have a captive audience,” says Smith, adding that the discussion need not be longer than a half hour to 45 minutes. If coordinating a holiday “family meeting” adds more stress to an already stressful holiday, then perhaps use a holiday gathering just to broach the subject.

Why discuss your estate plan in the first place?

First, let’s back up, and explain why we strongly recommend that you talk with your beneficiaries about your estate plan when they’re all present. 

• Surprises are almost never good, and that includes what’s in an estate plan. Take the opportunity to explain why you are doing what you’re doing while you still can. 
• Your kids and/or other major beneficiaries and decision-makers (like health care proxies) can ask questions during the family meeting about things you may not have known needed clarification.
• When your beneficiaries are at the same place at the same time, they are also all hearing the same information at the same time. This helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts that side conversations can create.

What should be discussed? Here are the essentials

• State that you have an estate plan that involves each person present, and if you like, your planner can be there to help guide the discussion. (More on planner attendance later.)
• Disclose your executor/trustee, health-care proxy and power of attorney. 
• Explain, at a high level, the division of assets with rounded percentages.
• If it’s been decided, discuss your funeral arrangements and end-of-life wishes. 

The approach needs to reflect your family dynamics

Set ground rules in the beginning of the discussion, such as there are to be no secret one-on-one follow-ups with you that can lead to information silos. Post-meeting clarifications can be done through a group email. To avoid going down rabbit holes during the discussion, set a 30- to 45-minute time limit and remind them of time left as you talk to keep the conversation on track. 

As mentioned, you can disclose general distribution percentages, but stay away from in-depth discussion on who gets specific assets.

It’s your estate plan. These are your assets. You call the shots.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be potential minefields. 

For example, if they ask your net worth, remind them that there is no telling what it will be when you pass. If you’re leaving one child more than you are the others, explaining why that is may prevent hurt feelings. For example, it may be that one child chose a philanthropic career that is not as high paying as their siblings’ careers. Even if that reasoning doesn’t seem fair to them at the time, they also know it’s not because you loved that child more than the others.  

Depending on family dynamics, even disclosing distribution percentages could result in unresolvable conflicts between you and your loved ones. There are never easy answers in those cases. Having a discussion is better than not having one, and it’s not unheard of to limit distribution disclosures to general statements, like “you’re all provided for.” 

The when and how of a family meeting

Don’t put off the estate plan talk indefinitely. At the very least, you want to discuss your estate plan when you still have your health. Because the family meeting can entail answering tough questions and smoothing over difficult topics, you need to be alert and engaged.   

Perhaps you’re putting it off because you don’t know how to start the discussion. This is one reason that you should ask your planner to attend the family meeting.

Your planner can help answer technical questions (e.g., what’s a power of attorney, what’s a will versus a trust?). They can be an objective third party and help steer the discussion, so it stays on track.  
   
“Just the presence of your planner can help lower the discussion’s overall temperature,” says Smith. 

Whether the family meeting happens in person or through online video conference, having the planner attend also means your beneficiaries can meet one of the key points of contact for your estate after you pass.

If you haven’t discussed your estate plan yet with your beneficiaries, and don’t know how to get started, call your planner.